Friday, 4 January 2013

Demented Genitals

I'll say this for self-published books: sometimes you can tell they're awful without even opening them. How's this for a blurb?


The domino effect was dominating my novice mind in such a way that I was feeling un-alcoholic delirium tremens while looking at her bosom bumping out of her cleavage. I put my mouth there and started licking. I supported her with my hand to lay down there. Her figure was so appealing to me that I was slipping down to the bottom. My mirage-burnt heart desired more and more to kiss her entire body. And that made me slip down to her G spot. 

My hand reached down her floss and then felt a soft touch of her labia majora while creeping through her pubic symphysis. From the back, I was still able to see her butt crack intoxicating me to have action gagnée. Her entire physic getting crammed up, was enticing me to give her Aussie kiss. She had a rampant drive of sex and her dazzling beauty was giving me the pre-penetrating feel of ecstasy and orgasm.

This is what happens when robots write porn equipped only with anatomy textbooks and intermittent access to the Indian equivalent of the Urban Dictionary. I'm an Australian, and I have no idea what "Aussie kiss" might mean in this context--normally I'd assume it meant something like a kiss flavoured with beer and charred barbecue meat, delivered during the ad break while watching a football match.

And this is the cover, with its pretty-much unbeatable title.



Vagina insanity. Yes, it certainly is.

(What's even more amazing is that the chap who wrote the book--and blurb--above has also self-published books entitled English Speaking and Grammar and English Word Power. Fortunately, to quote his biography, "[h]e is an international level English, French and Spanish language trainer for thirteen years. Not only down-to-earth but down-to-grave, observed lives from the Pandora of monkeys to the sanctuary of monks, have studied the Geeta, Bible and Qur'an all the three holy scriptures and the entire Oxford Dictionary.")

15 comments:

Desert Froglet said...

Oh my! That is...well...it just is

I can only imagine that an 'Aussie kiss' takes place...ahem...down under.

JRSM said...

OF COURSE! Mystery solved--thank you!

the bog logger said...

Wow. Just, wow.

jb said...

At the risk of giving this more attention than it deserves (too late!), I think the real problem is the inconsistent tone. A few sentences could pass for a clever (-ish) sendup, going mock-formal during a moment of intimacy. But then the rest of it reads like someone who's not only never had sex or seen a naked female body, but has never even read a description of either.

I imagine a whole book of that would be entertaining in an unbearable way. Maybe I should start a blog devoted to reviewing self-published computer-generated novels?

JRSM said...

jb, you should start that blog! The remaining works of 'Vagina's' author would be a good start. (And that's an odd sentence.)

jb said...

Great First Lines lists have a new entry:

'The day was blessed with no problem to start kissing her.'

(I've downloaded the book for free - only 81 pages, thankfully - if I ever get through it I'll be sure to let you know...)

Karl said...

Stay tuned for the exciting sequel: "Penile Dementia"!

Kelly Robinson said...

I wish I had an intoxicating butt crack. Yet another thing for women to feel insecure about.

Wow, I might actually have to read this. It looks like loads of laughs.

JRSM said...

jb, where did you find it free? Amazon wants $5 for this masterpiece!

Karl, perhaps that would be the result of too much ingredient production for this book: http://www.lulu.com/content/4956212 (NSF sane W)

Kelly, I'm sure that a close reading will actually reveal this to be a pro-feminist masterpiece.

jb said...

Found it here:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/142949

(at the bottom of the page, a variety of formats to download. Everyone can thank me later.)

I skimmed through it last night - albeit while watching tv - & am quite puzzled by it. The sex scenes (all of which are exactly as wonderful as the one you've quoted here) are a mere sideline, it seems, to a Young Man Makes Good story, which seems to be presented as autobiographical. Those reading it for the steamy erotica will lose interest rapidly, i think. Closer reading may clarify what is actually going on. May.

Oh yeah. And there's a pearl of a sentence about halfway through that I happened upon purely by chance, in which the narrator/author wonders why all Muslims are born killers...

JRSM said...

Oh dear. I wonder how the model whose photo he stole for the cover feels about being the face of sporadically pornographic hate literature.

Anonymous said...

I've lived too long...


But as far as Aussi-Kiss is concerned:

https://images.nonexiste.net/popular/tag/aussie/page/2/

Anton Gully said...

The cover looks a lot like the ones on the books my dad used to read in the 70s. Wish I could remember the name of the author - he had a bunch of books with similar covers.

I kept one of them as a souvenir when my old man passed. Must dig it out to name check the writer and see if I can dig up some other covers.

Anton Gully said...

Obviously I remembered the name the instant I posted my last message.

Herbert Kastle. There's a gallery and bio here:

http://list59.tripod.com/herbertkastle.htm

Though it doesn't include the book I have at home.

JRSM said...

Anton, those Mayflower covers in particular are very similar. Very classy books. Thanks for the link.