Sunday, 29 November 2009

I Hope She Earned Enough from Her Crappy Movies to Afford a Bodyguard

After the beast-feeding book, I wondered what other horrors Authorhouse might have to offer. The answer is legion: vast numbers of inarticulate New Age screeds with 47-word titles, inept genre novels, and textbooks for audiences so tiny that even their authors aren't reading them. But one book stood out for several reasons:

  • the $122.99 pricetag,
  • the fact that the author's personality is so unstable that he can't even keep his own name consistent for the duration of a paragraph,
  • the author's insanely complex yet obviously delusional autobiographical claims,
  • the peculiar target of the author's obsession (B-movie actress Rebecca de Mornay),
  • the hideous, bathetic and deeply creepy poetry (much of it about de Mornay), and
  • a blurb the likes of which I have never seen.

This is the book. The front cover alone has few clues (the subject and the 'Sir' aside) to the madness to come.




This is the blurb, reprinted verbatim:
Soft love poetry, sonnets and ballads, combined with Stunning Photography. This Full Color collection is bound to be an enjoyable addition to your Poetry and Photography collection. Top quality Photo's of garden flowers as well as the Photo Collection of Rebecca De Mornay's personal Photographer and boyfriend. And for the first time ever in print, the real truth about their hidden life. Now you will have more to go on than printed lies, "If you are going to be known for all time for something, make sure it is the truth." Written first hand from the only man to ever date Rebecca De Mornay, Hollywood stuntman and actor Christopher Stewart, The Spy That Loved Her, and the truth about his classified life. The War On Drugs Revealed first hand, the imprisonment of Charlie Gotto, and how the Chicago Mob was changed, and the Cartels brought down. "If they kill me for this, at least it is printed, I don't fear death." USMC Force Recon/ CIA/ DEA/ Interpol Officer "Scarlet" "If I sell even one copy, you will pay me more than the Government did." "The only end to pain is to think of joy and forget it, That is why I write Love poetry."

Some of those poems (click for readable versions):


 





And finally, that author's note: Christopher Stewart is the star of Pentangle and South American Tiger Shark Black Pearls. He is the author of A Knight's Grotto. He is an actor and stunt man, trained in Ninjitsu martial arts in Japan. He worked in many films including, Predator, Enter The Ninja, Rage of Honor, The Park is mine, and Never say Never again, and the Master TV series. "My Hat is to you my friend Tom Cruise, for making it possible to see my Screen Test in Legend, I am Tic." A complete list of his work is included. "My work in film is hard to see, since I was between 13 and 19 in the roles, I was made to look older." The master Ninja "Hi, I'm the one you never saw!"He works for the Government, Badged by Interpol in 1978, NYPD Black Homicide 1982, CIA 1976 Hostage Resque, DEA 1978, Internal Security 1984, Presidential Security 1988. USMC Force Recon 1989. His last action was Desert Storm. He received the United Nations Congressional Medal Of Honor 1986, Silver Star 1991, Purple Heart with Cluster 1989, USMC Medal Of Honor 1989. He was Knighted By Queen Elizabeth II 1983 in England, and trained with the SAS. He was Born in NY in 1970. "For those fans that were there, I'm Steven Cooper of the Nightmare band, the Warm up band for Lita Ford Glenfalls NY Dangerous Curves Tour 1989 or 1990 I forget. I fence, Fight SCA Heavy Weapons, Martial arts, Paint, write, and study Geology and Archaeology."

So if Rebecca de Mornay doesn't have a bodyguard who can protect her from the romantic attentions of a rockin' ninja who was knighted at the age of 13 and "badged by Interpol" at the age of 8, it's about time she hired one.

PS: Amazon notes that, due to it being a special order book, it's already too late to order this as a Christmas gift. My apologies for not bringing it to your attention earlier.

18 comments:

Ian Shimkoviak said...

holy fucking shit. the end of the world has come. in the form of a book...

Keir said...

http://www.amazon.com/Rebecca-Mornay-Christopher-Hoins/dp/1425919804

two reviews, 1 star and two stars. Note that the latter appears to be by the author.

Keir said...

here's his resume

http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/pentangle/resume.html

JRSM said...

Keir, that link is a rabbit warren of madness. The pathos of being a "deleted Goblin". The murky screenshots of ninja antics (plus the 'Who Is Your Favoret Ninja' poll). And the demented Rebecca de Mornay page: 'Rebecca sometime after By Dawn's Early Light Reminding me that Special Forces means that I can get quite Dead and well why did I have a medal of honnor? and why did I have a silver star? and why did I have a Purple Heart with Cluster?' Why indeed?

Christy Pinheiro, EA ABA said...

AuthorHouse is a gold mine of goodies. How the hell did you find this obscure little gem? It looks so innocuous from the outside.

JRSM said...

I was looking at Authorhouse books by price, and this... THING seemed weirdly expensive, such as a demented person might charge, so I thought I'd see what was inside. And this is what I found!

Bob Fingerman said...

Sweet baby Jesus, somebody's been reading my X-Mas wish-list.

Yikes. That is all kinds of lunacy. How can two covers contain it all?

Bob Fingerman said...

PS: Check out his other book, A Knight's Grotto (also AuthourHouse, though bargain priced at $19.45). He really is a wackadoozy. I like how the only review (five stars, of course) isn't a review but the press release placed by him.

Bob Fingerman said...

I'm sorry, but I started exploring the Rabbit Hole that is "Sir" Christopher Hoins Stewart. Please check out his awesome website:

http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/pentangle/

Okay, I'm done. I

Brian Busby said...

Of all Ms De Mornay's crappy movies, I've seen only Risky Business, so can't really comment on her talent as an actor. That said, I do celebrate her production work on Leonard Cohen's "Anthem" (from the 1992 album The Future). It is no secret that Mr Cohen and Ms De Mornay were then an item... which pretty much discredits Sir Christopher's claim that he is "the only man to ever date Rebecca De Mornay". I dare say Cohen is the better poet.

Let us compare mythologies.

Deb said...

This is so full of WTF-ery, I don't know where to begin. In a less enlightened era, this man might have been institutionalized and medicated, but now he gets what every paranoid schizophrenic needs: the opportunity to self-publish.

What a great world (unless you happen to be Rebecca de Mornay out for a stroll, unaccompanied).

JRSM said...

Bob: That site... Ye gods...

Brian: Mr Cohen probably needs a bodyguard as well. Sir Chris doesn't sound like a man who'd suffer his romantic rivals to go un-ninjitsu'd.

Deb: These truly are golden days.

Steerforth said...

Sir Christopher's website is beyond "out there" - I've been to an exhibition of outsider art and saw work by schizophrenics and crazed murderers, but Sir Christopher has put them all into the shade.

I think the thin line between genius and madness is thicker than we realise.

On a purely legal note, Sir Christopher is abusing the terms of his knighthood. Only citizens from Britain, Australia, Canada, New Zealand and various Commonwealth dependencies are allowed to use the title. Mr Hoins is a New Yorker and for him, the knighthood is an honorary one.

I shall be contacting Buckingham Palace about this matter.

Keir said...

I like how the Amazon review of Rebecca, the one star review, the review that isn't by him, has a comment by him basically saying 'I don't believe you've even read it because according to my figures I haven't even sold one copy on Amazon'

JRSM said...

Steerforth: If you're responsible for Tom Cruise's Friend losing his honorary knighthood, you'll have the Scientologists after you. Just a warning.

Keir: I hadn't seen that--fantastic! Obviously, when he said "If I sell even one copy, you will pay me more than the Government did," he's still waiting...

Peter L. Winkler said...

Ms. de Mornay was married to novelist Bruce Wager at one time.

JRSM said...

Cohen, Wagner and Sir Christopher--an unusual romantic triumvirate.

Roy Perkins, impartial dogcatcher said...

Rebecca DeMornay was also involved with Harry Dean Stanton for awhile.

After Sir Christopher, he must have seemed normal.